Agendas! Why is it that it’s important to attach an agenda to events and people these days? People aren’t “people”. Events aren’t simply “events”. Everything is just one more opportunity to capitalize on some agenda that needs to be addressed. Religion, politics, social reform, health care… funny thing is all of those things have a basic element at their core which is humanity. They were fundamentally all supposed to, at one time benefit humanity, but now have come to be about those agendas and it’s often at the detriment of humanity. People simply don’t know enough about their causes or human nature, they just want to fight about something.Continue reading →
David and I are watching Sherlock Holmes. I know ZERO about popular Western tv. I like crime tv and documentaries. So David has been seducing me into Dr. Who and Sherlock while I’ve been getting him to watch We Got Married (It’s a Korean reality tv show).
Me: Is their scandal about Cumberbatch? Is he molesting his nanny or something?
David: Nope. He’s a proper Englishman.
Me: Oh! So he buggers sheep.
Me. Actually, it’s Wales.
David: He buggers whales?
Me: What?! No! The Welsh bugger sheep!
David: Could you even imagine buggering a whale?
Me: Not really.
December of last year I began getting “sick”. At first it was a migraine that lasted a week. Then after I was in urgent care to have an infused IV for the migraine I began having a stomach bug that landed me in the hospital a few days later when I couldn’t stop vomiting and having diarrhea. For 3 weeks I couldn’t get anything down other than toast, broth and tea. I got a week’s break before I got the “flu”. The “flu” never left. Blood tests happened. I had an ultrasound for my tender abdomen. More blood tests. The results weren’t good, I was told to come back in 4 weeks. I went to an immunologist. I had allergy tests. She gave me an antibiotic (the first one in 4 months) it cleared up only the congestion in my head. But the symptoms I was having at that point were: Extreme fatigue, chills, night sweats, poor appetite, loss of weight, I was always cold, head cold, body aches, muscle weakness, joint aches, back pain and tenderness in the abdomen. She gave me allergy medicine for my allergies and told me to see an infectious disease doctor. They don’t see you without a diagnosis. I went back to my GP and then the chaos began.
You hear people trying to curse their own children to have kids who will be like they were growing up all the time. Maybe this Chronicle won’t be solely a bipolar issue but it will be packed full of issues that were definitely not made better with my being bipolar. I had an experience that was eerily like getting to talk to my old self the other night and it made me realize a few things: I have come light years from my former self and I need to acknowledge that. When you are in the middle of your own maelstrom it’s impossible to see a way out. And Jin Kano was right, there was nothing wrong with me. I was fine. I wasn’t crazy. Everything I ever said did make sense. *All things considered.*
One of the things I’m always hearing from David is that I have to listen to my body. My body is like a friend or a family member that you love and you would never in a million years wish anything but the best for but you have to take everything that it tells you with a grain of salt. Being Bipolar means that my body is constantly sending misinformation and for the most part I never know what is reliable and what is complete crap. It’s gotten so bad that I often ignore hunger, peeing, and I sleep when I don’t need to. Why? Because this body gained me 80lbs in three months telling me I was hungry when it wasn’t. It convinced me for about 30 years that in the face of anxiety, that I had to pee when I didn’t have to. And since my natural Bipolar state is mania or hypomania and sleep trouble and insomnia are my main buddies–I stopped fighting sleep.
I think the first thing anyone asks when I say that I’m bipolar–well when they don’t get awkward and not know what to say that is, is: “What is it like?” That is a really difficult question to answer. I’ve been vegetarian for four million years now and when someone asks me if a soy hot dog tastes like a real one I have the same quandary. Being bipolar is totally normal for me. It’s something I’ve battled, nearly lost myself to, and claimed. I can give you a million and one adjectives but you can’t possibly begin to conceive it in your worst nightmares or most delicious fantasies.